A lot of the time when people are sharing about what they are going through in terms of dealing with wounds from childhood others will share behind them making statements that do not help and can actually do harm. These statements about how we need to stop blaming our parents, our parents did the best the could and they couldn’t give us what they didn’t get themselves are all part of the recovery from being abused process. But forgiveness, understanding and healing are what happens at the end of the process not the beginning.
We wouldn’t tell a rape victim to stop blaming their rapist would we. Why would we tell someone who has been abused to stop blaming those who perpetrated the abuse on them. Maybe if I explain the process that I and many people I have gone through to heal it will help others understand.
One thing that I think will help a lot is that no matter what age someone is when they begin the healing work their understanding of what happened to them is still that of a child. Even if it seems like they are blaming their abusers that is the farthest thing from the truth. A child doesn’t have the reasoning abilities to formulate the understanding of the situation to blame their abusers. For example, when I was abused by my mother at age 5 I did not have the ability to see that what she was doing was wrong and understand that she was responsible for what happened. The only person I had the ability to make responsible was myself, I must be bad or I did something wrong, that is why this is happening. The only way that we can stop from being the victim and move on with the healing process is to place the shame, guilt and responsibility where it belongs on the abuser. I think when some says we need to stop blaming our parents they are helping us to move out of being a victim when i reality not placing the blame on them is what keeps us a victim.
In order to heal we can’t afford to afford to give them a break by trying to understand their motivation. If we jump to try to understand why they did what they did we will miss all the work that allows us to heal. We need to make them responsible in order to find our anger which masks our pain. The peeling of the onion in this process is anger, pain, anger, pain. We need to get all these toxic emotions out of us in order to be filled with the love we need to heal. Only then can we reach a place of understanding and forgiveness.
Please let us have our process. It is hard enough to work through all our questioning and minimizing about what happened without others doing the same. We need to be able stand in our truth which is the first step on our path to healing.
Just like in all areas of recovery you can not fully understand it if you haven’t been through. But everyone is capable of giving us the the compassion, patience and love that we need in order to heal. It really is as easy as do you wish to help or hurt them in their process. It is simply a choice.