Hiding in Plain Sight

Have you ever had the painful realization that you have once again been hiding ? Not that someone has broken into your house and might harm you type of hiding. I mean the unconscious decision to one again live small type of hiding. Something I do so well because I have been doing it most of my life. Living behind bravado, my loud voice, intellect, humor and so on and so on.

Hiding because of fear of being hurt, being found out, falling short, not being loved or being good enough. Hiding in my house with my dogs, depressed and unhappy finding reasons to stay put. Afraid of what will happen if I stay here and if I leave the house.

Suffering through not having what I need, being empty and confused. Sick of putting up a false front and looking for relief from food or tv Feeling my psyche beginning to crumble and my spirit dampen.

What am I hiding from ? Myself is the easy answer. My power, gifts, talents and what I have to bring to the table and give to the world. Once again choosing to live small.

In 2009 I was down sized on a very good job as a Grounds Superintendent for a resort and casino. Taking the job was a big risk for me, something I wouldn’t normally do. I was leaving a steady job in NC to move back to NY. My life was good and safe, just how I liked it. I has spent many years recovering, healing, growing, becoming empowered and felt ready for a challenge.

So on faith I applied for and was hired in this new position. Not that I felt as though I had arrived but getting this job was the culmination of a great deal of hard work. I was very proud of myself and felt this was a great achievement.

So I took the down- sizing very hard even though I was told it had nothing to do with my performance. That it was a numbers game and I was one of 5 middle managers being let go. But I didn’t look at it that way. I saw it as a failure and a risk I should not of taken. What was I thinking ? Why did I stick my neck out of the safety of my turtle shell ?

I was unemployed for 18 months and suffered from depression to the point I signed myself into the psyche ward  twice in one month. The first time after not sleeping for 6 days. Also during this time my female Doberman was diagnosed with bone cancer in her shoulder and eventually had to be put down.

I really believed that this was one of the lowest points in my life. Today I know that it was partially life being life but most importantly it was about me not listening. What do I mean by that ?

On some levels I knew that I didn’t want to continue working in the landscape and grounds maintenance field. That my soul and spirit were aching to be the healer and teacher that I knew myself to be. But I chose to once again find a grounds maintenance supervisors position because it was safe, I was good at it and it was a safe choice.

But the powers that work in my life were going to allow me to continue on the wrong path. I suffered a devastating knee injury and ended having surgery and a long recovery process. Two important things happened during my recovery. The first being that I didn’t lose my job with the company but could no longer perform the work needed to be the supervisor.

The second and more important thing that happened was I was immobile for  a while and had time to think and be with myself. I realized that all the wonderful people from the 12 step fellowship that showed up to help and visit me ended up seeking my counsel on their lives and recovery. It open my eyes to what I ma really here to do.

Now I wish that this was the fairy tale ending to the story. Really it was just the beginning of another chapter. Knowing what I am here to do has brought its own set of challenge. The biggest challenge has been how to use my gifts as a healer and teacher to help others ?

I have taken the training and become a Certified Life Coach. Becoming certified was a great accomplishment, but it didn’t answer the question how to reach people that I could help. I have tried starting groups, having workshops and retreats but so far without success.

Today my struggle is to continue to hold on to my heart and souls desire to be that healer and teacher. To spend time everyday to write on the book I have started, posts for my own blog and submitting guest posts to bigger blogs. Plus not sliding back into hiding because I believe the message and teachings I have to bring  to the world are too Important. Those of love, compassion, acceptance and unity.

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No Inner Child Left Behind

 

 

 

The concept of us having an inner child or doing inner child work is usually viewed with great skepticism by most people I engage about it. I understand this as I felt the same way when I began my  healing journey from the devastation of my dysfunctional childhood. It is not easy for us to suspend disbelief. The problem lies in trying to look at it from the the mind set and thought process of an adult. this allows us to minimize and trivialize what happened to us as children.

 

The statement that I hear the most is ” My parents did the best they could at the time”. Though this maybe true, it stops the healing process before it can even start. In essence it ends up being a rationalization that keeps us from the truth that we desperately need to heal.

 

Is that how we learn in recovery to make amends. We just walk up to someone we have mistreated and say ” I’m sorry, I  was doing the best I could do at the time.” No, we take responsibility for our actions, make restitution if needed and change our behavior.

 

The example that I like to use is the fact that my mother sexually abused me at age five. Does anyone really think that was the best she could do at that time ? How could thinking that way help my healing in anyway.

 

A five year old does not have the cognitive ability to understand that his mother is wrong and bad for what she is doing to him. He only has the ability to think that it is his fault for what is happening to him. He must be bad or done something wrong. Therefore making himself responsible for what has happened.

 

Inner child work is what allows us to revisit these actions that have wounded us and see them for what they really are. Thus allowing us to work through our feelings and give the responsibility, shame and guilt back to whom it belongs.

 

Without the work there can be no forgiveness, understanding or letting go. We will stay wounded, victimized and vulnerable. Our spirit will remain weakened like a balloon with a leak in it. Our wounds causing us to act in ways that are self defeating and unproductive. Wondering why we never feel right, whole or complete. Never being able to standing firmly in who we really are and are meant to be. Always feeling that we are falling short because we are.

 

The only one that knows the truth about how we perceived and felt about what happened to us as children is the child within. They hold the secret to where we stuffed our feelings. How we compartmentalized our self and our lives so that we could survive. They alone know where they secured the glowing light of their innocence and purity for protection They are the only ones who can guide us to where the pieces of our fracture personalities  lie. Those pieces that we  needed in order for us to integrate. We need their help if we want to be whole again.

 

There is no bigger act of self love than to chose to do the work to heal and become whole again. It takes faith, courage and trust in a power greater than yourself. But, I can tell you from experience that it is worth every tear, sob, wail, heartache, bout of anger and feeling of sadness.

 

There is no out running  the past, because it can run much longer and farther than you. The only way out is through. But you don’t have to do it alone, there are people and help available.

 

Have you ever felt like something is missing. That you have this ache but are not sure for what. Are there parts of you you can’t access ? These awareness can be gifts if you chose to see and use them that way. They can guide you to the life you have been looking for.

 

Hears to the hope you chose love and the path to healing !!!